Sorrow and God

First!!! I’m the first commenter. I win a prize.

Humor aside, and to receive this post in the spirit it was shared, I recall a very personal struggle that lasted two miserable years. Tears were abundant every single day. Tremendous mental distress was there. My heart and emotion had already escaped my control. To make a long story short, eventually God healed me completely. My only regret is letting that matter hurt me as much as it did.

The only thing worst than NOT getting what you want, IS getting what you want. I thank God for all the times He did not give me what I wanted! God always answer my prayers. Rarely He answer yes, mostly no. But they are all answered prayers that I could not be happier!!!

When Shep. Andrew talked about Jesus’s words to him tonight, I could resonate with him so much because Jesus told him the same thing. “You of little faith,” Jesus gently rebukes, and reminds me that he is in the boat with me. One time I was reading the passage in turn with my student. As I read this verse, Matthew 14:31 – ³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” I was deeply touched because it seemed to me Jesus was actually saying these words to me. At that time, I was having a hard time struggling with anxiety and mess of my life, I was dragging myself to bible study with a heavy heart, but he encouraged me to have faith in him. Why did you doubt? My student didn’t know what’s going on even though my voice was a little shaky. I never thought I could meet Jesus during the time of reading the passage!

Wow, I was thinking of responding to this post…but when I think of the word “sorrow” it hits home so deep, that I couldn’t bring myself to answer this post. Until now. I thought it would be better to respond than to not, to share my journey with the Lord.

First of all, I experienced a lot of sorrow before I came to Christ and in the moments before I came to Christ. When I was in college at UCSC, I was pretty much all alone in my dorm room many times without any real friends and I cried very loudly every night. When I tried to reach out to my sister and Mom via phone call, and they didn’t answer, I couldn’t help but feel so lonely and sorrowful. I think God saw me in those moments, because it would’ve been only just several months later when I found Jesus.

Second of all, in my new life I find many sorrowful moments. As Missionary John said in your post, the sorrow has felt almost so “tangible” and “real” to me that I could taste it so deeply. I did experience God; however, always pulling through for me and leading me to Himself. There have been many times. For instance, in 2017, after I committed a major sin against God, was kicked out of my house with only a two-day notice, and was fired from my job….I felt so desperate for hope. But, it was during that time we had the Easter message on John 11. Resurrection faith and hope was planted deeply in my heart during that message and I remember Missionary John saying…”Your job’s not dead, it’s just sleeping!” He said many things were “not dead” but just “sleeping” and it gave me a new perspective on my problems – that the solution just had to be “awakened” pretty much.

Also, starting the summer of 2017, I began to have a sleeping-in problem where I would not wake up until the afternoons. This seeped into the new fall semester of 2017 and sometimes I would barely make it to class on time, or miss class altogether. Even when I tried to do morning classes, I couldn’t, so I had to withdraw from them and get a “W” on my transcripts. I would be so sorrowful every day, so hopeless, that I couldn’t even control my body in waking up. Every day was so painful for me. I could honestly say that I tasted a taste of Jesus’ suffering through this humble and sorrow training. And I would even continue to have this problem, even until now. I could say God intervened in my life in a major way; however, through the 2019 Summer Bible Conference where God deeply touched my heart through almost every message. I even felt like this conference was so personal, like it was just for me. I received a renewal of God’s Covenant to me through my message”Stay in the Land” and God’s forgiveness for me and my sins through the Bible Study on Luke 23. The Holy Spirit was moving, and I will never forget it.

There were countless other painful moments in my new life as a Christian such as when I experienced a demonic attack in 2017 with a crippling and paralyzing fear of anxiety when I woke up one day, with many committed sheep being established in my life and then sadly falling away one by one, and with my many sin problems that I feel like I can never conquer over (by my own strength I can’t, but through Jesus’ strength I can) … However, I always remember how God has been there for me through all these moments. Even in quarantine, where I can get restless and cooped up, I can never forget Jesus’ grace in my life. It’s through all these sorrowful, painful, and heartbreaking moments where I can only begin to taste the life of suffering Jesus experienced while he was here on Earth. And through it all, I’ve come to know Jesus as my Good Shepherd who leads me to quiet streams and who picks me up every time I fall. I can say that it’s because of all these sorrows that I’ve become a stronger woman of God. Every time I experience a worship service, a bible study, or testimony writing time of fellowship – I’m renewed and soar on wings like eagles. God’s Promises made to me also strengthen me in times of trouble and they remind me that I am never alone, but that He is with me always, even to the very end of the age.~

Lately, I’ve experienced God by researching all the Bible verses that clearly show Jesus’ love for us. Wow, it’s like I gain a whole new perspective when I see how wide, how deep, how long, how wide Jesus’ love is for me…that it even surpasses knowledge and understanding. Now that Jesus loves me so much, I will continue on in this journey as a Soldier for Christ…embracing all sorrows that come along my path, drinking the cup, and living for Him to the end. I will acknowledge Him before men, so that He might acknowledge me before the Father in Heaven. Even at the cost of everything.

Thank you so much for reading this really, really long post…hahaha…I just wanted to clearly show that just because life is very sorrowful, painful, and you experience much sufferings…it doesn’t mean that Christ doesn’t, or has never, loved you. It just shows clearly that HE DOES love you so much actually, because He is showing You that we must live like He did in order to truly experience eternal life.

Press on Soldier of God, and never give up on Him, for He is worth it…every tear is counted, every sorrow is worth it, and this life is fleeting…so hold onto Him to the very end.

God bless you all.

Love,

~~~Alexandra Comaduran

I was also very touched by the testimonies! I’m always amazed at how such painful moments can turn into beautiful experiences with God. I’ll admit that as a young (and very immature) disciple, I don’t know sorrows in the way that many others do. But I do have two painful situations that come to my mind where I learned about God in a very personal way.

The first is in spring 2019, when a very precious growing sheep/disciple fell away. I’ve had many students come and go, but this one broke my heart because I had a very deep love for her. I cried a lot. As I sat in the church bathroom crying, God helped me to see what it meant that Jesus was called a Man of Sorrows. I was so amazed and comforted, because I had an opportunity to relate to Jesus in even this tiny way. I’ll never forget that.

Another time was when I moved into common life last summer. I had never lived away from home before, so it was a big deal for me. As I laid in the small bottom bunk bed (which my feet hung over the edge of), I imagined all my family members at home, eating a delicious meal, and playing with my cat. I quietly cried a lot that night. And then I woke up in the middle of the night because a cockroach was literally crawling on my face (the screen was open). I wanted to cry even more, but I think all my tears came out already. I felt like I was thrust into a whole new level of life with God. But the next morning when I got to campus, God comforted me. The sun was still rising, campus was so calm and quiet. It was like a big hug from God, and I had deep peace in my heart.

Also, to comment on your suggestion..
no need for contests or scheduled zoom meetings or Christian music to comment on blog posts.
..We just need more blog posts…. 😉

I learned that the Spanish word for “fun” – “divertido/a” has its root meaning in “diversion.” So, while there is fun to be had, it can tend to simply distract or divert from the reality of your sins. Sometimes, facing myself and meditating on the sorrows in the world and the sorrows Jesus has to heal the broken nature of myself, of my sheep, family, etc., etc., it is so much more glorious in the end then the temporary diversion I had. In the matter of fellowshipping, I’ve been given much more insight through this post on how, as beautiful and edifying and glorious as fellowship can be, nothing beats purposeful time with God.

About 10 years ago, my eldest brother died in a tragic car accident. He was 10 years older than me, but in my childhood, he loved me so dearly and took care of me; despite our age difference, he was like my best friend. I still remember the many things he did for me: one of them is that, during his college, in his date with his girlfriend (she became my sister-in-law), he invited me to go to a movie with them. As a middle school student, I was so fascinated at the movie – still I remember the title and content, and it was really fun.

After I became a shepherd, I secretly hoped that he would be a shepherd for the whole family. He was not a Christian but he had a certain desire for God. When he wanted to learn typing, he chose to practice using Bible verses. One day, he asked me a question, saying, “God commanded the Israel people not to make idols. Does it mean that there are other gods?” I was so surprised and thankful that he had some spiritual desire to know God. But then, he died all of sudden. I was utterly sorrowful and heartbroken; I felt that a part of me was torn away. When my mother died, I was sad, but not like this. I could not understand why God allowed it to happen to him. God knew my heart’s secret hope for him; only if he had lived a couple more years, he would have believed in Jesus and even become a Bible teacher for my whole family. But before I confirmed his salvation in Jesus, he died. At the thought of not being able to see him eternally, I was devastated. After the funeral service, I came back to America, but still I was in deep sorrow for the next several months.

Then one night, I had a dream. In my dream, I was standing and weeping in sorrow, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand like a little child. Then suddenly, my brother appeared behind me, wearing a clean white robe. He spoke to me in Korean, with his familiar country accent: “Why are you crying?” I turned around, saw him with teary eyes and sobbed, “Because you died so suddenly.” And I sobbed more.

Then, I came to my senses, thinking, “Wait a minute! He died, that’s why I am crying. But he is….!! Huh?” In utter surprise, I lifted up my head to look at him more closely. I noticed that he was in good shape, then, boom! He disappeared, and I woke up. I was bewildered, thinking, “What was that?” And deep joy filled my heart. I sensed that God was comforting me. God knew my sorrow and arranged this whole thing to comfort me. Something must have happened between God and my brother, which I did not know about. I felt like flying, jumping and dancing. I was so happy, realizing that I would see my brother in heaven. Since then, my sorrow has completely disappeared, and I am so thankful to God who was mindful of me. I praise and thank God for understanding my sorrows and comforting me. I love you, Lord.

I remember back around 2010, I was sorrowful because of my sins and I felt like there was no hope for me. One day I went to the sheep pen to pray and I saw these flowers by the altar and they looked like they were dying. I felt like those flowers. For some reason, I prayed to God and said if he could restore those flowers then he could restore me. Then, I think it was the next day or so when I went to go pray and when I went into the sheep pen I saw Shepherdess Kathryn tending the flowers and they looked like they were restored to life. In my mind I said “What! Werent these flowers dying!!!” I even asked her “were these the same flowers as the previous day,” and she just said with a casual smile “yeah.” My mouth was open because I was super shocked. Normally no plant or flower can be restored that fast with just a little water, it was absurd, but there it was full of life. So, I realized that God heard my sorrowful cry. I did not really expect that to happen, but it did. So I found hope that God would also restore me and he did in a very miraculous way. 😉 I was so happy to God who heard my pitiful prayer and who restores and strengthens the sorrowful even in miraculous ways.

Returning again to this blog post – I miss regular blog posts. I pray we would restore our zeal for the blog. <3 God makes all things beautiful in its time. 🌷🌏🐋🌇🌉🌌❤️✝️