Hey everyone. Now there is a time for everything: a time to praise, a time to pray, a time to study the Bible, a time to edify, a time to preach and…a time for jokes. I’ve been asked to post some of the jokes that I had performed at previous conferences.
Have fun and LAUGH!!
- I heard about a scientist that said to God, “We no longer need you. We can clone people, we can transplant hearts and do all kinds of things, once considered miraculous.” God said, “That’s fine. But to prove that you don’t need me, let’s have a man-making contest. The only rule is that you have to make man out of dirt.” The scientist agreed and quickly reached down to pick up a handful of dirt. God said, “Not so fast. Go get your own dirt.”
- A preacher was talking with an atheist one day. The atheist asked, “Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?” Preacher: “I don’t know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”
Atheist: “But suppose he isn’t in heaven?” Preacher: “Then you ask him.”
- I heard about this man who died and went to heaven. St. Peter escorted him down this long hallway filled with clocks. The hands on the clocks were moving at different speeds. St. Peter explained that every person has a clock. When they sin the clock ticks. The man saw a clock barely moving–Billy Graham’s clock. Another clock creeping along—Mother Teresa’s clock. He said curiously, “Can I see my clock?” St. Peter said, “Yeah, we keep yours in the office and use it as a fan.”
- A country preacher went looking for a job. The interviewing committee finally interviewed him. They asked him, “Do you know much about the Bible?”
The preacher said, “Oh, yeah. I know the Bible through and through.”
“What’s your favorite book?” they asked.
“My favorite book is Mark.”
“What’s your favorite part?”
“My favorite part is the parables.”
“Oh, yeah. What’s your favorite parable?”
“My favorite parable is the one about ‘The Good Samaritan.’”
“Can you tell it to the committee?”
The preacher replied, “Yep. It goes this way:
“Once there was this man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among the thorns; and the thorns sprang up and choked him. And as he went on, he didn’t have any money, and he met the Queen of Sheba. She gave him a thousand talents of gold and thousand changes of raiment, and he got into a chariot and drove furiously. He was driving so furiously, he drove under a Juniper Tree, and his hair got caught on the limb of the tree. He hung there for many days, and the ravens brought him food to eat and water to drink. And he ate 5,000 loaves of bread and 2 fishes.
“Then one night, while he was hanging there asleep, his wife Delilah came along and cut off his hair, and he dropped and fell on stony ground. But he got up and went on, as it began to rain. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights; so he hid himself in a cave, and he ate locusts and wild honey. Then he went on until he met a servant who said, ‘Come; let’s have supper together.’ But he made an excuse and said, ‘No, I won’t. I married a wife and cannot go.’ So the servant went out to the highways and the hedges and compelled him to come in. After supper, he went on and came down to Jericho.
“When he got there, he looked up and saw that old Queen Jezebel, sitting high up on the window; and she laughed at him. So he said, ‘Throw her down, out there!’ And they threw her down. Then he said, ‘Throw her down again!’ And they threw her down 70 times 7. And of the fragments that remained, they picked up 12 baskets full …, besides women and children. – They say, ‘Blessed are the PIECE-makers.’ Now, whose wife do you think she will be on the Judgment Day?”
Proverbs 17:22 “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
@Berto200 You added 10 years to my life!!! Praise God! I was really lost with the last one. (Still, I am not sure what passage he was preaching from 😄. MY favorite is “Get your own dirt.” I can’t wait until you do more jokes for the next conference. Keep up the hard work!
10 years to your life!!!!!! I burst out laughing!
Hahahahaha! The last one was hilarious! 😂 I like the Proverbs 17:22 as well….Let’s have joyful hearts! ❤️ I’d much rather have a joyful heart than a crushed spirit any day. 🙂
Praise God for true laughter! Praise God that in this new life, we can laugh loudly and freely. “Not so fast, get your own dirt.”
I like this one too! Go and get your own dirt!
I always liked this one you told:
What kind of person was Boaz before he married Ruth?
He was ruthless. 😆😆😆
Poor ruthless Boaz hahaha
When we were studying Ruth, John and April made fun of my name…Baoz
What a great name! Baoz. Today I laugh so much.
I liked, God said, “Not so fast. Go get your own dirt.” lol
“Yeah, we keep yours in the office and use it as a fan.” Cracked me up and yet so true. I hope my clock is going super slow. Thanks for the humor and for the joy it brought. Can’t wait to hear more jokes at the next conference. Maybe you can use the He-brews or they all came in one Accord jokes, classic😃
Yes, this one was hilarious. I remember Greg Laurie once said this joke and yet he said it in the form that he was the man with the fan clock while his wife’s clock was one of them barely moving hahahaha.
Hey (L)onely(E)vangelist(O)nline, they use your clock to suck out all the hot air in heaven. It is spinning backward – fast – through Jesus’ forgiveness.
Let me know if it is still hot at your house. I’ll let you borrow mine.
What about (L)ovely(E)vangelist(O)nline? ahaha
lovely only to his Bonita Senorita Anita
Lovely to all of us!! I remember how Leo’s picture of him asking a student to Bible study was the reason I got the courage to start fishing at all haha. Leo: (L)ion-hearted (E)vangelist (O)nline
You can’t spell lovely without spelling Leo
A preacher looking for a job – that joke really cracked me up; I cannot help but giggling and laughing – so hilarious! Thank you for sharing this heavenly comedy with us.
These are hilarious! Thanks for sharing these. I can really see that true laughter comes from God. I bet God has a great sense of humor. I’m sure that when you get to heaven, Jesus will greet you with a really great joke haha!!
I am sure God has a great sense of humor. Maybe he’ll tell me a joke that’ll be too funny to repeat. I might not be able to repeat it because I’ll laugh each time I think about saying it.
The 2nd to last one about the man’s clock being used as a fan because he sins a lot was funny! It must have been an embarrassing moment. At the same time it was convicting. It reminds me not to live a sinful life but to do what is right…thanks for the jokes
These are so funny!! I tell them to my students too hahaha >:D A little confused about the second one though..
The Preacher said HE will ask Jonah, if Jonah happens to be in heaven, meaning the preacher is going heaven.
If Jonah is not in heaven (meaning he is in hell) then YOU, the atheist ask him, meaning the atheist is going to hell.
Some find it hard to believe that the whale swallowed Jonah, but Billy Graham said he would still believe that passage if the Bible says Jonah swallow the whale.
I always laugh at the part where he says, “Throw her down again!” And they threw her down 70 times 7. It never fails to not make sense xD There should be a whole series of jokes on this country preacher haha